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It
is one of those sleepless nights. We all have them some of us more than
others. As I stand in
front of the sink the water running cold, I glance up and see myself in
the reflection of the window.
Who
is that person looking back at me? Do I know her? Why does she look so
lost and alone?
It
has been two years ago today that I moved to New York. It has been a year
since my dream painted world came crashing down. A year ago he said it is
over. It has been six months since my daughter stated she wanted to go
back to Pennsylvania to live with her dad. It has been four months since I
moved to a new home. It has been two weeks since my grandmother died.
The
reflections of my life keep looking back at me through the window.
Reflections that are filled with hurt and pain. Reflections that I allow
to keep making me feel lost and alone.
Oh
how I wish those reflections were filled with happiness and peace. Can I
guide those reflections in a more positive way I ask myself? What is it
really going to take to see that reflection smile at me, to see a smile
coming through the window? It is frustrating. The reflection I see in the
face. It is frustrating because I know that woman looking back at me.
She
is a strong woman. She is a beautiful woman. She is a woman who has hope.
She is a woman who can have a happy life. She deserves peace and happiness
not the feelings of despair and loneliness.
I
look at her. I tell her. It can be done. You are strong. You have
experienced hard lessons in life. You have learned so much. Do not allow
yourself to continue in self pity. Do not allow yourself to lose the
fight. Keep strong I tell her. Keep taking the forward steps in life. As a
reminder of tough lessons, keep them in your back pocket.
We
all have poor reflections of ourselves. However, we can have positive and
energizing reflections. There will come a day when we glance up and see
the person for who they really are looking back at us.
It
all starts with loving that self-reflection. It all starts with finding
out who one’s self truly is. As I lay across the bed writing, I ask
myself two questions:
1.
Who are you?
2.
What do you want to be?
The
answer to the first question is simple. I am a single mother who has
raised three beautiful children. I work at a local hospital as part of the
finance team. I enjoy friendships. I am a woman of strong religious faith.
I have a passion for helping others.
As
for question two, I want to be healthy in all ways including emotionally,
spiritually and physically. I want to be a mom who will always be there
for her children if even at a distance. I want to continue to seek the
career path that will allow me to be creative and help others.
As
I look at my own words, I realize those achievements are possible. All I
need to do now is take a paper towel, get out the window cleaner and start
clearing away the hurts of the reflections one smudge at a time.
I
will continue with positive self affirmations. I will continue to
communicate with my children and seek creative ways to have a happy long
distance relationship. I will cherish the home I am in and remind myself I
am more fortunate than others. I will seek out people with healthy
behaviors to be associated with and to learn from. I will continue to
learn about who I am and what I want to be.
Awhile
back I wrote:
Look
in the mirror
What do you see?
A person smiling back?
Or someone lost deep in the sea?
Look again
look real hard
It is you
It is you looking back
Your eyes saying
TAKE CARE OF ME!
I
ask you today to go glance in a window or mirror. Study the reflection you
see looking back at you. What
steps are you going to take to assure yourself that you see every piece of
beauty looking back at you?
Which
smudges of those hurts and pains do you need to wipe away?
Start
your spring cleaning today. Why put it off until tomorrow?
I
started today. I journaled it all and wrote it down to share.
Today
is a new day. A beautiful day for me.
--Robin
Walters, January 30, 2006 |
