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Ever
remember those younger days of yours? Remember those summer days spent at
the local theme park? There you are standing in line waiting for the
thrill of that wild ride.
You
wait in anticipation. The hot sun beating on you. Your hands sticky from
the cotton candy that you so deliciously enjoyed. The screams of other
riders are echoing through the air. You watch as those cars go climbing up
and up, slowly, the tracks creaking. The car hits the top and then ever so
slowly peaks over the top and then whoosh away it races down the hill,
whipping around the curves, shaking from side to side headed for the next
climb for the rush to start all over again.
For
me I was never a big rollercoaster person, I much more enjoyed the slow
rides like It’s a Small World at Disneyworld. Here I could sit in
a boat and float through the water and see all the beautiful dolls from
all over the world. I could hear the music of all the different lands
playing in the background with the theme song playing, It’s a Small
World after all, It’s a Small World after all…
Is
it really a small world we live in? Is our life like a floating boat calm
and smooth or is it like a roller coaster ride wild and crazy? Many people
will answer this in many different ways but if you are a nonalcoholic in
an alcoholic relationship I would bet my next paycheck you would vote the
rollercoaster ride.
You
see the rollercoaster ride of an alcoholic relationship finds you waiting
for many wild curves, hills and ups and downs. Being an active participant
in the wonderful program of Empowered Recovery, I hear of many of these
rides. I bet folks could have many names for the rides of life they have
been on.
We
shall start with the all-too-familiar “Eggshell Walk.” This is where a
person has to be very cautious of his or her own words and actions for
fear of upsetting the alcoholic. Ever been there having to be very
cautious of what you say and what you do? Those who are involved with
alcoholics are known to be very codependent and want to do everything for
the alcoholic so they will love us—no matter what the cost is to our
self-esteem and well-being. Therefore we behave so quietly and allow
ourselves to be controlled by them.
Don’t
be yourself, heavens no, walk quietly and don’t crush that egg in front
of you.
Get the picture?
Okay,
so at the theme park they have the funhouse. This is where you get lost in
a maze with many mirrors, creepy crawly things grabbing you, and always a
clown laughing hysterically at you. Is that not how it is with being with
an alcoholic? You feel lost not knowing which way to turn, their behaviors
and actions grabbing at you and always wanting your attention, and most
assuredly, they laugh at you, poke fun at you, and better yet, ignore you.
Now,
I have been known to throw a few dimes and nickels trying to win dishware
at the local carnival. Sometimes I would get lucky and win a free glass,
but other times, the nickel hit the floor and the profit of my hard earned
nickel went to the profit of the carnival. Hmm, can you relate this to the
ride you are on?
Is
it not true that many of us find ourselves in conversations with the
alcoholic, trying to get them to see, trying to get them to understand?
How many times have you had the endless conversation… the one where you
find yourself saying and repeating the same thing? At times we thought we
were getting lucky that they heard us, heck they even said “I love
you,” but then the next day you find out that the pitch you had given
just fell to the floor as they did not remember a thing that had been
said! Could this be the game of blackouts?
“Step
on forward, come on over here! All are winners!” shouts the barker.
“Step right up, let me guess your weight, your birth date,” and such.
I was a sucker. I pulled out the two dollars thinking this guy would never
guess my weight. I took a deep breath stepped on the scale. He stood there
with his little pad and pen looking at me, really thinking hard.
I
was thinking he will never guess it. Guess what! He guessed 10 pounds
lighter than what I weighed! He had to guess within 2 pounds for me not to
win. I won! But did I really win, or was I suckered in so I would try it
again in order to keep winning? I relate this to the lying game that
alcoholics play. We get suckered in by those lies. They tell them
one right after another and we find ourselves not even knowing what the
truth is.
I
think one of my favorites growing up was the antique cars that go around
and around the track with me thinking I was in control of the car only to
find out that there was a little metal line with a metal hook on the
underneath of the car that kept it on track.
If
you really take the time to sit and analyze this ride, you can relate it
to how you have been manipulated and controlled. Was it not you always
sitting on the sideline waiting for the next demand to be given to you?
Was it not you who was told that you only want it your way, but in the
meantime you were doing everything to please them? You put your life on
hold for them.
There
are many rides in a theme park—some that thrill us; some that scare us.
Being in an alcoholic relationship is a crazy ride. One moment we are
thrilled and happy as a lark, the next minute we are in tears because of
the emotional pain that is brought upon us. What I really want to say is,
how long do you want to be stuck on this Merry-Go-Round of Life? The life
that keeps going around and round, but goes nowhere? Do you really want to
keep walking on eggshells? Do you want to continue to take the abuse and
be manipulated and controlled? Do you really want to spend your energy on
conversations talking to a bottle?
Life
is a huge theme park. With finding self-empowerment through Empowered
Recovery, you can really begin to enjoy the true ride of life. A life that
is about you. A life that has always been waiting to be discovered and
enjoyed. A life that can be traveled through in peace and serenity. One
that can be shared with those that you love—but only if you just let
yourself in and the alcoholic out. It is out there. Take a moment now. Get
your ticket. There is no cost to participate. It all just takes energy. Your
energy. This thrilling ride is all self driven by you. You are in control
of it. What an awesome feeling!
Take
a moment now… close your eyes…. Feel it? Hear it? It is calming. It is
peaceful.
This
ride is called “It’s my world people! It’s my life and I am here to
enjoy it!”
--Robin Walters,
January 2006 |
